How Not To Get The Girls
by mattmetzger
Summary: A New England KKK story. This is Kenny: he is terrible at picking up girls. This is me, Kyle: I am recording these fails in the interests of an amusing best man's speech in the future. Assuming any girl ever agrees to go out with him, that is.
1. Lisa Dawson

**Notes: This will be a series of connected oneshots on Kenny's dire attempts to get laid. Pure, stupid crack. Dedicated to every girl that Dan and I have ever given stupid pick-up lines to.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own South Park, and make no profit from this work.**

* * *

**How (Not) To Get The Girl(s)**

My name is Kyle Broflovski, and I am a cruel son-of-a-bitch and very bad friend.

The second clause in that sentence is undoubtedly what Kenny will tell me when I finds out what I'm doing.

But!

_But_.

But it is all for a good cause. Because I am Kenny's best friend, and best friends eventually become best men (yeah, be shocked. Kenny McCormick wants to grow up and have a family. Not right _now_, but someday.) and have to make speeches.

And in those speeches, you're meant to embarrass the ever-living shit out of the groom.

So this is all, in the long-term, in the interests of being a better friend and making his wedding(s) all that more enjoyable.

I am keeping a journal of Kenny's fails (especially the epic ones) when it comes to women. And my inspiration? Well, my hat goes off to you, Lisa Dawson, for being _that _attractive.

Lisa Dawson is one of the receptionists at the gym. Kenny does not, as a rule, go to the gym. As a rule, I do. (Basketball practice uses one of the gym halls.) As a rule, Kenny will swing by near the end of practice to flirt with any pretty girls around, and go for a drink with me afterwards.

Lisa Dawson is one of the said pretty girls.

Now, Kenny flirting with Lisa Dawson is nothing new. Even I flirt with Lisa Dawson. And I don't usually go for blondes. But Lisa Dawson has a tiny waist and a double-D bra and lots of fluffy blonde hair, and the most orgasmic smile before we're talking internet porn sites. So everyone, even some of the women, flirts with Lisa Dawson.

Not that I've ever actually talked to Lisa Dawson as a _person _instead of a walking wet dream, but I suspect she's probably quite used to it.

But I decided to keep my little record of Kenny's, ah, exploits, when I came out of the gym just in time to see him lean over the desk towards her and give her that supposedly charming (and in reality creepy) grin of his.

"You know," he was saying, "I keep coming in here and seeing that great dye job you have done on your hair, and you know what? I had an epiphany last night. It would go _awesome _with my pillowcases. Like, _wow _awesome."

Phil (he's British. Yes, we resist temptation to nickname him 'Pip' too.) snorted his energy drink out of his nose, then actually laughed when Lisa shook up and belted Kenny around the head with her clipboard.

And to top it off?

"Isn't that your roommate?" Phil asked me. When I nodded, he said: "And you _didn't _tell him that Lisa Dawson's gay?"

Surely you understand why I must keep a record of these events.

You know.

For posterity.


	2. Abigail Welcher

Abigail Welcher happened some two weeks after Lisa Dawson.

I have no idea, for the record, who in the hell Abigail Welcher actually is. That's all Kenny would give me: her name. For all I know, Abigail Welcher is a ninety-year-old crone he chatted up at a bus stop. And I wouldn't put it past him either.

But anyway.

I only found out about Abigail when Kenny came home with a black eye and a foul mood. He snapped at me when I stared at his face (I'm thinking ninety-year-old crone with a walking stick) and told me to fuck off when I actually asked.

"No need for that," I groused, and slapped the frozen peas on his face slightly harder than necessary.

I took his jacket to the closet then. Yeah, I'm a neat freak like that, so sue me. Anyway, this bit of paper fell out of his pocket - looked like one of those plastic-y napkin coaster things they give you in shitty diners, and that utterly fail to stop liquid rings from the cups and glasses.

And Kenny's handwriting was all over it.

That's when I figured that I had another keepsake here, so I left Kenny to his ego-licking and saved the napkin in my journal. I'm gonna whip it out again at his future wedding, just as proof that I'm not making this shit up. Maybe I should get a photo of his face too.

And if I thought Lisa was bad, this was worse.

_Hey baby, noticed that you're cold. Mind moving your nametag a little higher so I have a better view of your nipples? It's blocking the left one. While we're here, I could warm you up: say in ten minutes, behind the diner? See you there ;)_

Yeah, sometimes I ask myself why I'm friends with this guy.

Question is, did she punch him then and there, or ten minutes later?


End file.
